The Messy Middle

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Remember those whiny years I talked about before? The years in Pocahontas were filled with a lot of those.  On the exterior, we couldn't have been better and, in many ways, things were wonderful.  We had good jobs, good friends, close relationships with our families, a house, and even a cute dog.  We traveled, ate at great restaurants, went where we wanted, whenever we wanted and were loving life.  When people asked the inevitable question, "when are you gonna have kids?" we would always respond with, "we're too BUSY to have kids!" And for many years, that was true.  Kids would be great if they happened, but we certainly weren't stressing about it.

Eventually, I turned 30 and we decided it was probably finally time to make it happen.  After all, kids wouldn't slow us down too much.  And we always planned on having them.  Truthfully, I had been ready for awhile but it took Rodney some time to get on the same page.  But then, it didn't happen.  And then, it still didn't happen.  And because that was a pretty painful time in which Rodney and I both spent some time in what we have since labeled "the pit", we are going to leave it at that.  Suffice it to say, neither of us was our best self during that time.  How our marriage survived those years is a testimony to the grace of God and the fact that both of us were just too stubborn to do anything else.  Looking back now, it was also the prayers and encouragement of some faithful friends that sustained us and helped drag us out of the pit.  Outside our home, our lives continued to look pretty great.  I started a new business ("this IS my baby! I don't need another one!"), Rodney went back to finish the degree he never finished, we won awards and accolades, got involved in every civic organization that would take us, and tried to act like we were FINE! (That's a word I used a lot.  Which a friend finally told me meant, "Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional")  But inside, things weren't quite as glorious.

In retrospect, the event that could have ended us, turned out to be the event that saved us.  Rodney decided to move to Conway.  Without me.  He decided UCA was the best place to pursue his Master's degree, but because he would only be there for a year or two, we decided the best move was for me to stay in Pocahontas and continue to build my fledgling business.

Together, and separately, we had to decide what that meant for us. Were we better apart or together? Were kids ever gonna happen and, if not, could we be okay with that? Who were we going to be if all those plans we had for the future didn't come to pass?

Somewhere around the fall of 2009, I decided the downward spiral had to stop. Remember all those grand plans I had initially? I gradually decided that maybe, just maybe, I needed to stop planning for awhile and just let life happen. Living alone, I had plenty of time for reflection, and I came to appreciate a lot of things in a brand new way. I missed my husband because, through every challenge, he remained my best friend. I had lots of healthy relationships and, even if God never saw fit to bless us with children, I was still okay.  I had family that loved me and, more importantly, a God who hadn't forgotten me. And while I couldn't make myself feel fulfilled any more than I could make a baby just magically appear on my doorstep, I could trust that maybe, just maybe, His plan WAS for my good and His glory. Even when it didn't look like that with my earthly eyes. 

In the meantime, I needed to take back control of what I could control and I started with my health. You see, while my world seemed to spiral downward, one thing I did VERY well was amuse myself with food. Bored? Eat! Depressed? EAT! Celebrating something? EAT!!! So, without much of a plan except for, "eat less, move more," I started that journey. And what I found along the way would lead to the greatest plan I never intended.

to be continued 
Click here for Part 3

Fall, 2009